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I have been MIA for awhile now. Well not completely. I’ve been posting online fairly regularly, but I have checked out somewhat as well.

I sat last week while being down flat with the sickness when suddenly the past ten months replayed every scene before me. Until that moment I hadn’t fully realized the weight of it all. I know, perspective is everything and so many others are truly going through rough times, but this is also my reality. And I finally allowed myself to sit with it.

I have been working so hard trying to soften over the hurt, the loss of community, loss of our church home, occupation changes, becoming self-employed, and deciding to move back to the west coast. All while maintaining an “Everything is peachy” posture and stifling my feelings from being exposed – even if only to myself.

So while I have been posting, I have also been posing. And that goes against everything I preach. No, not all matters need to be public – and trust me, they aren’t. Still, the real me, the girl who always says it like it is and confesses her uglies because it brings freedom – she got lost. I lost her.

I guess now would be a good time to find her and let her speak in all her honesty.

A part of me is deeply excited for our next season. And the other part of me is scared as hell. There has been a significant amount of change over the last year, and it has left me weary. I’m just tired. I’m not without hope. I am certainly not without joy! But I am facing each day on shaky legs – leaning on and into God with every breath.

I have questioned my faith often. How can I be of faith and be scared simultaneously? I don’t know. I am human. I do believe but help my unbelief. I do believe God is in all the details and is currently crafting our journey with precise love and provision.

We know the next two months are fairly crucial in defining next steps. So, we continue to work hard, try to keep our heads above water and forge ahead trusting God to direct each stride.

And there you have it. My emotional dumping. Even if you didn’t read this or you checked out early, I feel better having penned my heart – so, thank you for letting me.

I promise I will make greater efforts to stay me and not allow the weight to crush my voice. Speaking of weight! Am I the only one on the planet who doesn’t lose weight when they’re sick? Fourteen days of the ickies and no pound lost. The only thing I lost was my chapstick.

Be blessed friend. And remember, You Matter!

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