The Worst Decision That Saved My Life

February 1990: The day I met the man who nearly killed me.

I knew the very second he walked into the office there was something

I couldn’t put my finger on it. I didn’t have time to. He saw me and immediately engaged in small talk. His eyes were so inviting – There was something about them. When he laughed he drew you in, partly because laughter is contagious, but also… there was just something.

He returned to my office a couple days later and asked me out on a date. 

Something about him made me feel cautiously safe. Perhaps it was his age. He was 34 – I was 19. An older, father figure. Something I never had. Would this be the moment in my life where a man would walk in and care for me, protect me, and treasure me? 

Something in me wanted to believe that could be true, so I agreed to the date.

Sunday morning, June 3rd, 1990 – I woke with fears. I woke with a million questions pounding the inside of my head. I woke to the sound of my Uncle David’s voice begging me, just days before, not to go through with it. But something kept pushing me to follow through, something kept pushing me to him.

The ride to the Chapel was quiet. He wore a smile the entire way, and each time I caught a glimpse of it, it gave me chills. But something about those chills didn’t feel right.

Before I knew it he and I were standing before a Preacher with a few guests and his family seated behind us. I don’t recall much about the quick ceremony, except one thing the preacher man said…

“If God no longer remembers our sin, who are we to bring them back up?”

Staring into my soon-to-be husband’s eyes, my mind drifted back to moments I knew instantly I would never “bring them back up”.

And just like that, two words later, I belonged to him.

Three days passed and something snapped, and there was no escaping its fury. Backed up against a door with the barrel of his gun pushing into the center of my chest…

This is it. This is the end.

But something in him didn’t pull the trigger.

Something.

I managed to escape the following day. A frantic three day journey on a Greyhound bus from Knoxville, TN to Southern California was the catalyst that would change everything. Upon my arrival in CA I was greeted with a phone call to learn that my husband had turned the barrel onto his own heart. He was gone.

Something in me didn’t believe it.
Something in me wanted desperately for it to be true.

Two months of healing, discovering, and growing up followed. 

Then something happened. I walked into a church that welcomed my kind and I found God there. And I realized that Something led me there. I realized that that Tennessee June 3rd decision led me straight to a little church in Southern CA where I would find that something, and it would forever change my life!

June 3, 2016 – Twenty-six years later – I can define all those somethings now. Without a doubt, I am convinced they were all the presence of God. Even well before I would choose to acknowledge Him, he acknowledged me. I didn’t see it then, but I sure see it now!

There is no guarantee we will not suffer harm, hurt, disappointment. So when you do, know it does not mean God isn’t there. I could not have cared less about God 26+ years ago, yet there He was – caring for me by letting me feel that something wasn’t right. I see it now!

He let me make one of the worst decisions of my life only to save it… literally and eternally.

Lean into your somethings. They are whispers from your Savior.

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “The Worst Decision That Saved My Life

  • It isn’t necessary to say that this is powerful, but I will say it anyway — this is powerful stuff you have written here. Your story, the story God gave you to share with us is unnerving and scary and yet has the hand of grace written all over it. Thank you for your honestly, and most of all for your bravery in sharing this with us.

    • Thank you, Rosa. The best part of my story, of everyone’s story, is the grace! So worth celebrating.

      I appreciate your sharing with me… means a lot.

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